Fatherhood Friday: Grafted Together; Remembering One Year

Yesterday we marked the one-year anniversary of our 'meet-you' day with Reni.  It is hard to believe that it has been a year since we made the first trek to Elbasan to meet our son! Adoption has changed all of us as we have been grafted together as a family.

Elisona has really grown into the roll of big sister.  Most of the time she even enjoys that roll. She loves to make silly faces to make Reni laugh, and there is no bigger cheerleader than Els when Reni is attempting something new in his prosthetic legs. Reni absolutely adores his big sister and tries to do anything she is doing. His first words after every nap and when waking up in the morning are, "Where's Ellie?"

Cydil and I have also learned and changed this past year. Together, with God's help, we made it through the stresses of the adoption process. We've learned to adapt to the many sleepless nights, and have learned to discern the needs and wants of our children. We love to see our children play peacefully together, and our hearts are sad when they fight . Cydil and I have had multiple chances to share about adoption as people have gotten to know our precious kids. I was blessed to share in Asbury University's chapel this spring and just weeks later, Cydil was sharing with an international group of women at a spiritual retreat in Ohio.

It is no wonder that agricultural imagery of grafting is a great picture of what happens in adoption. When a shoot is grafted by the vinedresser, both the shoot and the vine change. Together the shoot and vine become something different and new.  The tools for grafting are things like knives and pruning and looping shears.  Both the vine and the shoot are cut in the process.  Without the pain, there would be no grafting. Thankfully, another tool in grafting is called the grafting strip.  This is a rubber strap that holds the vine and shoot together until 'knitting' has occurred.  This time being held together by the grafting strip is the most crucial time for a successful graft.  A website devoted to grafting produced by faculty at Oregon State University listed three issues to watch for in post grafting care.

Successful field grafting requires diligent care of the vines after the grafting process. There are three areas of importance in post-grafting care:

1) Monitoring and relieving vine pressure

2) Managing Suckers

3) Supporting new growth

<http://www.mjsunderground.net/graftgde/graft4.htm>

While no analogy is perfect, I do see a lot of similarities between post-grafting care and post-adoption care. 

There is a lot of pressure and stress that surrounds adoption.  Families that don't make space for dealing with such pressure are likely to break.  In plants the pressure is built through excess sap that tries to push out the shoot while trying to heal the wound in the vine. The solution? More cuts to allow for the sap to escape before getting to the shoot.  I know for Cydil and I, we have had to 'cut out' several weekly church responsibilities during this phase of our lives as we have adjusted to our growing family.  We have 'cut out' some of our spontaneous times with friends to allow for more time with our kids.  Do these things we miss? Sure, but we are gaining so much as well. There are more tears in our house than there has ever been, but there is also a lot more laughter!

After a shoot is grafted, there are often suckers that grow around the graft.  These suckers do just what their name implies - they steal resources from the shoot and the newly grafted vine. Interestingly, some suckers are actually helpful right after the graft since they take some of the sap that could add to the overall vine pressure.  In adoption, I see the suckers as some of the 'baggage' that both sides bring into the adoption. For Ellie, one sucker was her red cup. She would not/could not eat anything that didn't come from this particular red cup. It looked like the red mugs she ate from in the orphanage, and unless her food was soft enough to drink, warm but not hot, and served in this red cup, she would refuse to eat it. Every time we used the red cup we were thankful that she ate, but we were also sad that she was trapped by the limitations of the cup. Thankfully she is way past her red cup days. Her red cup is now in our hope chest as a reminder of God's faithfulness! For Reni, some of the suckers have been our fears of his future limitations due to his disabilities. These fears are quickly being removed and replaced by amazement as he seems to tackle any challenge put before him.

The last important piece in assisting a newly grafted vine is to support the new growth. This is done to insure that the wind or sheer weight of the graft doesn't break the vine.  It can be accomplished in a variety of methods utilizing stakes, trellises, twine, other plants...  Adoptive families need a network of support as well. There are a lot of factors working against a successful family graft. We have been so blessed to have lots of support during our adoptions.  Our families have been wonderful and have embraced our changed family completely! Our church has been flexible and has helped our children adapt. We are in a supportive school district with teachers and therapists who love our kids. And we have a strong adoption support group of other families who are experiencing the joys and challenges of grafting themselves. If you have read this far into this post, you too are part of our support structure!  Thank you for caring enough to follow our family and pray for us!

Only a relatively few of us have experienced the grafting process of physical adoption, but I pray that you have experienced the wondrous grafting into God's family (John 15:1-17)!  If you have been grafted into THE Vine, are you making space in your days to rest in Him? Are you allowing Him to remove the suckers that steal from the life-giving sap He offers? Have you sought out support to help you grow?  If not, why not start today?
-- Nathan