Adoption and Advent?

God has taught me so much about His Father's heart and my spiritual adoption as His son through the miracles of my children's physical adoption, but this Christmas season I realized afresh that His entire redemptive plan hinged on it.

The Gospels start with "This is the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah the son of David, the son of Abraham:"  Matthew starts his writings about Jesus with a listing of his heritage. He does this because at least seven distinct prophecies about the Messiah speak of his royal bloodline. If Jesus was not of the tribe of Judah and more specifically in the line of King David, the rest of Matthew's story would be about a great man and teacher but not the Messiah. So Matthew sets the table for the whole story of redemption in a genealogy. There is only one problem...Jesus wasn't genetically related to Joseph!

Both Luke and Matthew trace Jesus' linage through Joseph, yet both authors tell of the virgin birth of Jesus through Mary. How then could Jesus be the Messiah? Only through adoption! According to the Jewish Talmud, "whoever brings up an orphan in his home, scripture ascribes it to him as though he had begotten him. (Talmud Mas. Sanhedrin 19b)

Eight days after his birth, Joseph gave him the name Jesus and presented him to the temple to be circumcised.  By bringing up Jesus in his home as his son, that is exactly what Jesus became, his adopted son! "Isn't this the carpenter's son?" (Matt 13:55)

Joseph didn't plan on being so entwined in the salvation of the world. In fact Scripture shares of his reservations before his obedience (a very early example of 'ReluctantHusband Syndrome'?). But aren't you glad that he became Jesus' earth father so that God could become our heavenly father?

CS Lewis said, "The Son of God became a man to enable men to become sons of God."

If I can presume to edit CS Lewis I would write, "The Son of God became the son of Joseph to enable men to become sons of God."

What a beautiful picture... the miracle of adoption at both ends of God's redemptive story!! 

-- Nathan

Fatherhood Friday: Grafted Together; Remembering One Year

Yesterday we marked the one-year anniversary of our 'meet-you' day with Reni.  It is hard to believe that it has been a year since we made the first trek to Elbasan to meet our son! Adoption has changed all of us as we have been grafted together as a family.

Elisona has really grown into the roll of big sister.  Most of the time she even enjoys that roll. She loves to make silly faces to make Reni laugh, and there is no bigger cheerleader than Els when Reni is attempting something new in his prosthetic legs. Reni absolutely adores his big sister and tries to do anything she is doing. His first words after every nap and when waking up in the morning are, "Where's Ellie?"

Cydil and I have also learned and changed this past year. Together, with God's help, we made it through the stresses of the adoption process. We've learned to adapt to the many sleepless nights, and have learned to discern the needs and wants of our children. We love to see our children play peacefully together, and our hearts are sad when they fight . Cydil and I have had multiple chances to share about adoption as people have gotten to know our precious kids. I was blessed to share in Asbury University's chapel this spring and just weeks later, Cydil was sharing with an international group of women at a spiritual retreat in Ohio.

It is no wonder that agricultural imagery of grafting is a great picture of what happens in adoption. When a shoot is grafted by the vinedresser, both the shoot and the vine change. Together the shoot and vine become something different and new.  The tools for grafting are things like knives and pruning and looping shears.  Both the vine and the shoot are cut in the process.  Without the pain, there would be no grafting. Thankfully, another tool in grafting is called the grafting strip.  This is a rubber strap that holds the vine and shoot together until 'knitting' has occurred.  This time being held together by the grafting strip is the most crucial time for a successful graft.  A website devoted to grafting produced by faculty at Oregon State University listed three issues to watch for in post grafting care.

Successful field grafting requires diligent care of the vines after the grafting process. There are three areas of importance in post-grafting care:

1) Monitoring and relieving vine pressure

2) Managing Suckers

3) Supporting new growth

<http://www.mjsunderground.net/graftgde/graft4.htm>

While no analogy is perfect, I do see a lot of similarities between post-grafting care and post-adoption care. 

There is a lot of pressure and stress that surrounds adoption.  Families that don't make space for dealing with such pressure are likely to break.  In plants the pressure is built through excess sap that tries to push out the shoot while trying to heal the wound in the vine. The solution? More cuts to allow for the sap to escape before getting to the shoot.  I know for Cydil and I, we have had to 'cut out' several weekly church responsibilities during this phase of our lives as we have adjusted to our growing family.  We have 'cut out' some of our spontaneous times with friends to allow for more time with our kids.  Do these things we miss? Sure, but we are gaining so much as well. There are more tears in our house than there has ever been, but there is also a lot more laughter!

After a shoot is grafted, there are often suckers that grow around the graft.  These suckers do just what their name implies - they steal resources from the shoot and the newly grafted vine. Interestingly, some suckers are actually helpful right after the graft since they take some of the sap that could add to the overall vine pressure.  In adoption, I see the suckers as some of the 'baggage' that both sides bring into the adoption. For Ellie, one sucker was her red cup. She would not/could not eat anything that didn't come from this particular red cup. It looked like the red mugs she ate from in the orphanage, and unless her food was soft enough to drink, warm but not hot, and served in this red cup, she would refuse to eat it. Every time we used the red cup we were thankful that she ate, but we were also sad that she was trapped by the limitations of the cup. Thankfully she is way past her red cup days. Her red cup is now in our hope chest as a reminder of God's faithfulness! For Reni, some of the suckers have been our fears of his future limitations due to his disabilities. These fears are quickly being removed and replaced by amazement as he seems to tackle any challenge put before him.

The last important piece in assisting a newly grafted vine is to support the new growth. This is done to insure that the wind or sheer weight of the graft doesn't break the vine.  It can be accomplished in a variety of methods utilizing stakes, trellises, twine, other plants...  Adoptive families need a network of support as well. There are a lot of factors working against a successful family graft. We have been so blessed to have lots of support during our adoptions.  Our families have been wonderful and have embraced our changed family completely! Our church has been flexible and has helped our children adapt. We are in a supportive school district with teachers and therapists who love our kids. And we have a strong adoption support group of other families who are experiencing the joys and challenges of grafting themselves. If you have read this far into this post, you too are part of our support structure!  Thank you for caring enough to follow our family and pray for us!

Only a relatively few of us have experienced the grafting process of physical adoption, but I pray that you have experienced the wondrous grafting into God's family (John 15:1-17)!  If you have been grafted into THE Vine, are you making space in your days to rest in Him? Are you allowing Him to remove the suckers that steal from the life-giving sap He offers? Have you sought out support to help you grow?  If not, why not start today?
-- Nathan

Stuck

Tonight as we were getting supper ready for what is becoming our traditional Friday family night of dinner and a movie time, Ellie stopped me by the fridge and asked:

Ellie: Daddy, do we stick together?

Me: Yes, Ellie we stick together!

Ellie: Do we stick together with Mommy and Reni?

Me: Yes we stick with Mommy and Reni too!

Ellie: Do we stick together as a family forever?

Me: We stick together forever, Ellie!

Ellie: Let’s have a group hug!

By this time, Cydil had entered the doorway holding Reni, and I lifted Els for our group hug.  Ellie wrapped an arm around each of our necks and we squeezed our family of four into the tightest ball we could muster.

Oh how wonderful that hug felt!  I am so thankful that God has stuck our family together!  Ellie was at one time stuck in a crib without hope, trapped behind bars of wood.  But now she is stuck to her daddy!

Ellie on Sunday in her Easter best

Good Friday

I can’t think of many things worse than being rejected.  From being picked last on the playground to being turned down for a job application, our lives are full of potential rejections.  But when we are rejected by someone close to us, the pain intensifies.  I know families torn apart through divorce, where the commitments made on the wedding day are replaced by accusations and disillusionment.   But I can’t imagine a deeper rejection than when a child is rejected by their parents!

Even now as I write on this topic there is an indescribable sadness in my heart to think of the pain my beautiful Elisona and courageous David Reni will experience as they struggle with the circumstances that caused them to be abandoned.  Every adoption begins with pain!   But God is redeeming the pain of our kids.  As I type Ellie and Reni are enjoying time with PaPa playing with his iPad photo booth app.  I don’t know who is having the most fun!  All I know is that there is a lot of laughter!

 

A little over 2000 years ago, a Father rejected his Son.  “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me!”   Jesus had already been rejected by the crowds, “Crucify Him!” and even some of his closest disciples “I don’t know the man!”  But the rejection, by his Father was the worst!  Some believe what really killed Jesus was the immense sorrow of his Father’s rejection as he carried my sins and yours.  He did it all so we could be adopted into God’s family!  Adoption always begins with pain. 

On this “Good Friday” I am reminded of the sacrifice Jesus made for my adoption, and I am eternally grateful!  But I am also grateful that when my Ellie and my Reni suffer through their feelings of rejection, they will have a savior who can relate.

They Look Just Like You!

One of the first questions asked when a baby is born is "Who does she look like?"  "Does she have the nose of her father or the eyes of mom?"  "Don't you think that forehead looks like Uncle Jack?"  I have to admit that most of the time I don't see the family resemblances until much later in a child's life, so I am awful at playing the 'Who does she look like?' game.  Looking like your parents is part of what helps make you feel like you belong.  My father and I look a lot alike.  Recently just for a change, I shaved off my goatee which I have had for 8 years.  Reni looked at me and laughed when he first saw my clean shaven face and said, "PaPa!"   I am definitely a Waggoner!

One comment we have heard over and over when people learn that Ellie or Reni is adopted is "They look just like you!"  And it is true.  Elisona especially looks a lot like me.  We have a picture from our days visiting her in the orphanage shot from above and even the hairline of her shaved head matched my receding hairline!  Albanians joked that we didn't need to wait for her passport, no one would question that she was our daughter!  During last summer's trip to adopt David Reni, it was Cydil's turn to hear how much she and our son looked alike.  His fair skin-tone makes him 'fit' with Cydil. 

Looking like our adopted children isn't why Albania was our country of choice for adoption.  We actually expected our children to be much darker and have some of the middle eastern features of the gypsy population that is common in many of the country's orphanages.  It is rare for internationally adopted kids to 'look like' their parents.  We know more than a dozen internationally adopted kids just here in our small community and none of the others 'look like' their parents.  Children from countries like Uganda, China, Russia, Taiwan, Guatemala, Haiti, Ukriane, and Albania make up probably the coolest play group this side of heaven!  There is beauty in all of the shades of skin and colors of hair.  If you closed your eyes, you wouldn't know that there were any differences at all, but you might also miss what a miracle this group is!  None of them chosen or loved because they look a certain way, but because simply because they are a gift from God!

I don't fully know why God placed children in our family from half-way around the word that looked like us.  Maybe He knew that Elisona will need that assurance of her identity as our daughter someday.  Maybe Reni will feel he looks different enough already with his limb deficiency and find comfort in looking like us in other ways.  Whatever God's reasons, we know that if he calls us to adopt again, our child will most likely not 'look like' us at all.  We don't know where and when God is leading next, but Albania has all but closed adoptions to the United States, and our hearts are burdened for orphans in places like China, East Africa, and Haiti.

Even though Ellie's playgroup isn't physically similar, the longer they live in their forever families, the more they 'look' alike!  Shared mannerisms, values, food preferences, hobbies, and interests replace similar noses or skin tones.  They look like Waggoners, Kinnells, Neals, Fredricksons, Haakes,…  They fit!  They belong!  They 'look like' their parents! 

So who do you look like?  If people were playing the 'Who does he look like?' game with you, would they say, "I see theFather's heart!"  "Those hands look like Jesus!"  "He has the joy of the Lord on his face!"  Would there be any question whose family you are a part of?

It is sobering to think that Ellie and Reni will probably look more and more like Cydil and me as they grow in our family.  I pray they only look like me in the areas that I look like my heavenly Father!  

Missions and Adoption

I am writing this post from the headquarters of World Gospel Mission (WGM) in Marion, Indiana.  Cydil and I have been working for WGM since our marriage in 1999.  We are the directors of the WGM student center at Asbury University. Promoting missions among university students has been easy for us.  It is part of out heartbeat.  Leading teams, hosting missionaries, training students, discipleship…we love what we do!  Today we are in Marion introducing the mission headquarters staff to our student cabinet.  Our students hear from missionaries fresh from the field weekly, but it is also good for them to see the support staff that allows for a coordinated effort in missions.

Missions has long been a passion of mine.  Maybe it started with my years in Kenya with my family as a child, but it seems like missions has always been a part of my heartbeat.  I credit my parents with my heart for the lost.  My dad doesn't cry often, but the tears are always close for him when stories of salvation and changed lives are told.  I learned to be in awe of our heavenly Father's hand in reaching the lost and His protection of the missionaries who were called to introduce Christ to them.  I am blessed to have grandparents on both sides of my family who followed the Father's call in ministry.  One set started a Christian school in New Jersey, and the other setup schools in Kenya, but both were in the same business of spreading the love of Christ!

Adoption is a newer passion of mine, or at least I thought it was newer until recently.  The deeper I look at missions and adoption, the less of a distinction I find.  Adoption only happens when a parent pursues a child to make them a son or daughter.  It takes the resources of the father to make the adoption complete.  Adoptions are costly, and the orphan doesn't have a chance without the pursuit and payment of a loving parent. There are lots of people involved in the process of adoption, and there are no small roles.  The kind lady who notarizes paperwork to prove its authenticity, is as much a part of the process as the Judge who declares the adoption complete.  Choosing an adoption agency that shares your passion is important, because adoption agencies help to match perspective parents with orphans around the world.  They also help to navigate the often confusing obstacles to adoptions that occur, and manage the money needed to complete an adoption.  I have worked with adoption professionals who view their sometimes menial jobs as a ministry they see the bigger picture and rejoice at each step that brings a orphan closer to a forever family.  Others unfortunately have lost that awe and seem to be going through the motions.  Ultimately though the most motivated and organized adoption agency would be useless without pursuing parents.

Missions is really the same thing.  Our heavenly Father is pursuing the lost and lonely to make them His children!  There is no chance for the spiritual orphan without the pursuit and resources of the Father.  There are lots of people involved in introducing needy orphans to their loving Father. We are His hands and feet.  There are no small roles!  Anything that helps to make the journey to the Father smoother is an important aid to His pursuit.  Ultimately, the most organized missions organization in the world would be useless without the constant pursuit of the Father!

So I guess I've worked for an adoption agency all along and didn't recognize it! Thank you God for using WGM to bring spiritual orphans into your family! 

Awkward Questions, Beautiful Truths

One of the chapters in Russell Moore's book Adopted for Life is subtitled "What some rude questions  about adoption taught me about the Gospel of Christ."  After reading the chapter, I thought about questions I have been asked about adoption.  Thankfully, we live in a wonderfully accepting and supportive community, and have rarely faced some of the insensitive questions many adoptive families endure.  In fact, most of our friends and acquaintances have rejoiced with us in our adoptions with the same awe and wonder at the miracle of our kids as we have.  However, recently I had the following conversation with an acquaintance to whom the concept of adoption is still clearly strange. 

It went something like this…

the day Reni took his first steps!

Q. "So did a doctor tell you that you can't have your own kids?"

A. "No, Cydil and I decided to put our energy and finances into adoption instead of reproductive technology."

In my head I thought, "God, thank you for directing us away from months or years of doctor's appointments and potential disappointments and toward the joys and adventure of adoption.

Q. "So you could have kids of your own some day if you wanted?"

A. "If you mean biologically related kids, I suppose God could bless us with children that way too, but we feel like we already have 'kids of our own'!"

In my head I was thinking, "God called us to be parents, not to just pass on genetic material. Anyway, does any parent 'own' their child? Children are made in the image of God, not in the image of their parents. All children are really God's children and parents are simply guardians of these precious treasures of God.  Adopted children are a reminder of this fact.  Because Ellie and Reni are not biologically connected to us, we are reminded what a gift they are from God every day!  We had 'nothing' to do with their birth, yet God still prepared them for our family from the beginning!  If biological kids would make me lose this awe, I hope I never have 'kids of my own'!"

Tuesday afternoon kite flying

After a little pause and some other small chat…

Q. "Did you ask for a handicapped child?"

A. "Not directly.  We understood that there is no guarantee of a 'healthy' child in adoption, just like there is no guarantee of a 'healthy' child biologically."

In my head I considered what a wonderful blessing we would have missed if God had not broken through our self-imposed limitations as stated on our application for a 'healthy child'!  I am more and more convinced that we all are 'handicapped', only some disabilities are more visible than others.  Visible disabilities can be seen by all, and may be more intimidating, but often they are easier to work through than the hidden disabilities we all have.

Q. "Doesn't it just break your heart to see your son's disability?"

A. "Actually, knowing Reni does just the opposite.  He inspires me!"

Had I more time to respond I would have added that there is nothing more thrilling to a father's heart than to see his children succeed against the odds!  Reading Ellie's Kindergarten report card showing her  remarkable progress since January, and watching Reni take his first unassisted steps in his prosthetics, both made me cheer out loud this week! Everyday there is inspiration in my kids if I look for it!

The oldest book of the Bible, Job, records the accuser asking questions of our Heavenly Father.  I wonder if the conversation took place today if it might go something like this.

Q. "So why don't you just make your own perfect kids?"

A. "Because I love these children too much to leave them as orphans!"

Q. "When will you give up on this adoption idea and just start over?"

A. "I gave my only begotten Son so I could make these children my own!  I will bring them to my house to live with me forever!"

Q. "Don't you know that these children are handicapped?"

A. "Yes, it is the orphanage of your design that helps make them that way.  I have a plan for each of them that brings them into a forever family and ultimately heals their disabilities!"

Q. "Doesn't it just break your heart to see your children struggle in their disabilities?"

A. "Every time I see my children overcome your schemes I cheer from heaven!  I have given them the tools to defeat you, and I am there to catch them when they fall.  They may not be perfectly whole while living in your kingdom, but when they reach mine, there will be no prosthetics needed!"

~Nathan

Nesting

I  was reading in Adoptive Families Magazine recently about a mother who was 'nesting', waiting for her daughter's adoption to be finalized. She expressed that without a 'due date' like a pregnant mother would have, she had to force herself to prepare a place for her daughter in faith that the adoption would indeed take place.

I remember preparing both Ellie's and Reni's rooms. During our homestudy, we had to show our social worker what room we would use for our child and prove that it was safe with the appropriate smoke detectors and such.  But until their referrals arrived, the rooms remained pretty generic.  Ellie's room was an office/guestroom, and Reni's was our den.

That all changed with a referral!  We now knew who would be occupying those rooms! We got busy picking themes and paint colors, shopping for a crib and dresser, putting together toy storage, hanging pictures, organizing closets…  Each decision was made with our individual children in mind.  We tried to plan an appropriate space for a young child, but with the flexibility to grow with them as they grew.  We knew that for the first time in their lives, they would have their own room, their own place!  We wanted them to feel welcomed, safe and loved.  All of these thoughts and more went into preparing a place for Ellie and Reni, and all of the preparation was for one purpose…to bring them home to be with us forever!

No longer a guestroom, but our cherished daughter's personalized space

Jesus in Luke 14:1-3 comforts his disciples before he goes to heaven.

 1"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. 2In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.

I have read these verses many times, and have heard sermons preached from this text, but until just recently I never connected them to the nesting Cydil and I did in preparation for our children.  Could it be that Jesus is carefully picking out paint colors for our future rooms with us individually in mind? Could it really be that he is personalizing a place for you and for me? Could the Father be hanging pictures on the wall to help his adopted children feel welcome, safe and loved in our new heavenly home?   If God pursues individually each of his children, I believe his preparation of our 'forever home' must also be as individualistic.  Jesus didn't say, "I have gone to prepare lots of rooms." Instead he said, "I go to prepare a place for you."  God is 'nesting'!

I can't wait to see the room He is preparing for me!
-Nathan

Thoughts on Citizenship

Ephesians 2:17-19

17 He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18 For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit. 19 Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household,

Today as you read this, I am privileged to be leading a team of Asbury students to Haiti on a missions trip. As I collected the team's passports to make copies I began to think about how blessed we are to be American citizens. We have the freedom to come and go from our country at will, and with a relatively few exceptions, can simply show our passport and be welcomed into other countries around the world. With our citizenship comes the right to free speech and freedom of religion. I can write my thoughts here in this public forum without any fear of government interference or censorship (not to mention punishment).

As soon as we moved through passport control at Dulles Airport (in Washington DC) with our newly adopted children, they became American citizens as well! Neither of them will remember this milestone, but Cydil and I sure do. It was the second public marker that signaled that they belonged with us. We shared a name, and now we shared a citizenship! Ellie and Reni are "no longer foreigners and strangers" they are "fellow citizens"! I plan on writing some thoughts about the difference between history and heritage in a future post, but I believe an overemphasis on my son and daughter's Albanian history could unintentionally foster the feeling of being a stranger/foreigner in their own family. They are more than exchange students living with us in here in Kentucky. They are citizens along with Cydil and I and members of our household! Their heritage now is as a Waggoner! I don't want to minimize their Albanian history either. We truly feel that the country of Albania has given us priceless gifts in our children and we will forever be connected with the country in a special way because of them.

As we traveled in Albania this summer finalizing Reni's adoption, Elisona found a special place in the hearts of all who met her. Some would pinch her cheeks, and she was given more than one special treat by our Albanian hosts. She actually learned to eat ice cream bars in Albania because of these gifts. Some people we met didn't believe she was ethnically Albanian because of her dress, glasses, and hair cut, but there was one common statement we heard over and over, "She is so lucky to be an American now!" There is something about the word 'lucky' that doesn't sit well with me, so I usually responded with "We are so blessed to have her in our family!" And then would share how glad we were for the chance to bring her back to Albania and introduce her to our Albanian friends. Many of these good friends would love to travel the world, but because their citizenship is Albanian and their passport happens to be red and not blue, they face much greater hurdles in travel. They saw the freedom that Ellie enjoyed and while I would have used the word 'blessed,' they were right. She is lucky to be an American now! She didn't 'earn' her citizenship, it was granted to her as she became a member of the Waggoner household.

Ellie is having her hand kissed by grandma while being offered flowers from two different friends.

Even though sharing a citizenship of the United States of America is great, it is nothing in comparison to the citizenship I pray both Ellie and Reni will share with us some day. It's another citizenship that can't be earned, but will be granted by being included in the Father's household. This citizenship also gives us an heritage that outweighs our history. And no one knows freedom like the one set fee by Christ! This is the hope we take to Haiti with us, and this is the citizenship that unites us to our friends in Albania. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we are all "no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household."

The Power of a Name

One of privileges and responsibilities of being a parent is naming your child.  In some cultures names are chosen based on something happening during the child's birth.  One recent example is the father in Egypt who named his first-born daughter "Facebook" because of the impact the social media site had in organizing the demonstrations in Cairo last month.

Names are a significant part of a person's life.  Hungarians traditionally have a list of names they are to choose from, so even though I only personally know thirty or so Hungarians, I know a number of "Gabor's" and a couple of "Tibi's."  Hungarians celebrate not only their birthday, but their nameday with all the others who share their name.  I think it is a cool tradition that highlights their Hungarian heritage.  Happy early name day Gabor.  (Just in case I forget to mention it on the 24th!)

Name changes are also important. Usually they mark significant events.  When Cydil chose to change her last name to Waggoner when we were married, it was an extreme honor, and it signified that she was willing to be forever associated with me and my family!  The day our adoption was certified by the Albanian courts, our children received the name "Waggoner" as well.  Their name change signified that they were now a part of a family!  Forever they will be a part of the Waggoner family tree!  They belong here.  They are one of us.  We share a name!

 On top of our last name, we also chose first and middle names for our children.  From the beginning, we loved our daughter's given name Elisona, which means 'my parents have Jehovah as their God.'  We added the middle name 'Joy' to our daughter because we couldn't think of a better word to describe what we felt as she was grafted into our family!  Before our second adoption we decided that we would name a son 'David' if we were referred a boy.  We decided on David because it is part of both of our father's names.  Cydil's dad is David and my dad's middle name is David.  As Reni's picture and details were presented before us last April, we prayed for wisdom and guidance in our pursuit.  Was Reni the child God had in mind for our family?  While pouring through the second round of information from our agency, Cydil stopped reading and through tears pointed at the computer screen.  "...He was baptized at 2 months of age with the baptismal name of ‘David’."  Yes! Reni was the child God was preparing us for!  He had already changed his name for us!!  Since that time, we have heard three other adoption stories where pre-determined names were already being used before the forever families were involved.  In each of those cases, God used names to confirm commitments and ease fears related to the pending adoptions.  Isn't God good?

Something I have begun to realize recently though is that a father's name changes in the process of growing a family too.  There are circles of people who only know me as 'Ellie's Dad' or 'Cydil's husband.' Everyday I visited Reni in the orphanage, I wouldn't even get through the gate before hearing a chorus of 'Bobbi Reni, bobbi Reni, bobbi Reni' (Reni's Dad, Reni's Dad, Reni's Dad)!  None of the kids know me as Nathan Edward Waggoner.  Instead they know me by my relationship to my son!  I love that!  I also love hearing, "Oh, you're Ellie's dad!" as I walk through her school.  My name has changed!

Kids and Caregivers say 'Goodbye' to Reni.

Our heavenly Father has changed our names as well!  He has given us a new name (Isaiah 62:1-3) We are known as His children.  We fit.  We belong.  We share His name!  But maybe even more amazing to me, God changes His name for us.  He is proud to be known as our Father!  In fact, He is often only known to the world through His relationship with us!  Being known through association with me is a risk. Being known as 'Nathan's Father' has its good days and bad days, but God is known by some people only in that way.  What an honor!  What a responsibility!  

There are cries only a father hears...

Last Friday, in Asbury University’s chapel, I had the privilege of sharing some of what I have been learning about the Father’s heart of God. I was thankful for the opportunity, but in preparation, I realized that there was so much that I was learning that had to be ‘cut’ because it couldn’t be contained in 30 minutes. I also realized that my learning is just beginning and will continue over time. Thus “Fatherhood Fridays” was born! My goal is to give Cydil a break one day a week and put my thoughts into writing. Sometimes they will be well thought out and sometimes more raw and stream of conscious, but always I will try to give an honest reflection of our journey.

I think one of the hardest parts of writing this weekly will be deciding which topic to cover next. I already have a ‘OneNote’ notebook of 9 ideas for future posts, but last night as I was getting up to change Reni’s diaper and coax him back to sleep at 2AM, a brand new truth hit me – There are some cries only a father hears.

David Reni and I have had a strong bond from the beginning. I think a lot of it had to do with the last two weeks in Albania post-orphanage when it was just us two guys (see archives August 4-22, 2010). When we were reunited with Cydil and Ellie about 6 months ago, Reni took a while to accept comfort from anyone but me. Honestly it was exhausting! I was the only one able to get him to sleep (or back to sleep multiple times a night). Cydil tried, but usually his crying only intensified. When handed off to me, however, he would relax and almost magically fall back to sleep. I know that stage was difficult for Cydil, and I am glad that Reni loves on and clings to his mommy now without reservation!

Currently Reni is experiencing his 5th round of double-ear infections and is waking throughout the night even more than usual (tubes are coming March 7!). In fact, he hasn’t slept through the night one time since coming home in August. Normally he is up three times a night. It has become our ‘new norm’ and is part of the reason I am getting my money’s worth out of my new Keurig coffee maker! Sometimes we can let him cry a little and he will go back to sleep, but because we live in a student center and often have guests staying in the room right below Reni, I need to respond quickly to his cries. I am the one normally responding because somehow, Cydil usually sleeps through it even with the monitor in our room. Nearly every morning Cydil asks, “How was he last night?” and I give my report. Ellie is also in a sleepless stage right now and last night she climbed into bed with Cydil and I. It is easier for everyone to sleep if I just move to her room, so after tucking her in beside her sleeping mommy, I climbed into Ellie’s very pink but comfortable bed.

The problem with this arrangement is that the monitor remains in our room where Cydil is sleeping peacefully, so I have to be extra vigilant to respond to the crying though walls and doors. That brings us to 2AM.

I heard Reni crying, but was hopeful that maybe it would wake Cydil this time and she would tend to him. You see, I was comfortable, warm, and tired. I was already put out of my own bed, and I thought I DESERVED a little more uninterrupted sleep! Then I heard it.

“Daddy!”

Can’t you call for Mommy?

“Daddy! Drink!”

Drink?! That will mean another full diaper and another time awake!

“D-a-a-a-d” followed by tears.

It was about this time that I realized that I was the only one hearing his cries and if his needs were to be met, it would be by me. My love for Reni compelled me out of bed and into his room where I changed his diaper and went to the kitchen to give him a little more to drink. He was already back asleep by the time I got back with the bottle, so I gently closed his door and climbed back into a very pink bed. But before I went back to sleep myself, I realized. Reni didn’t need a drink. He just needed daddy!

God, thank you for hearing my cries when no one else does, and for hearing the cries of spiritual and physical orphans! Help me to hear their cries as well and give me your heart to love them. Thank you for not caring for us grudgingly as I often care for Reni and Ellie. Thanks for giving up your place of comfort to come to us here on earth. Thank you for giving us exactly what we needed – a daddy!

Nathan wishes he had the luxury of naptime each afternoon. Sweet dreams, buddy.

Thinkin' About Love

Ellie's Valentine's Day cards for her school classmates

Naturally, given the holiday we just celebrated, my thoughts have gravitated to the subject of love.  It's such a basic human need, but one I took for granted in many ways until Ellie became our daughter.  Most of you who visit our blog are aware of the state of social deprivation in which we found her.  I cannot let my thoughts drift to what her life was like in the eighteen months before we met her -- it's too painful.  This weekend my parents were at a retreat in Durres (Albania) and met an individual who tried to volunteer at Ellie's orphanage about a decade before Ellie came to reside there.  This individual reported that the caregivers strongly discouraged her efforts to come and hold babies because "it made their job too much work" -- the babies would come to expect to be held.  Our visit this past summer reminded me what a bleak place it really was.  So quiet.  Too quiet.

2 months before her referral to us (previously unpublished)

Before I knew Ellie, I didn't think about the fact that giving and receiving love is a skill that must be learned and practiced.  Much like one masters skills best when training starts early in life (I think of skills like learning languages, playing instruments, training for figure skating, etc.), learning about love begins at day one!  To start learning about love later is so much harder when one is bruised, scarred, weakened, and handicapped from a starvation of love and affection.

While Ellie has made great gains in learning how to appropriately give and receive love (for instance, we've moved past last year's struggle to restrain her  indiscriminate and inappropriate affection towards strangers), she still carries deep-seated needs that are not immediately obvious to those who don't spend time with her on a daily basis.  It can be exhausting to us when at age 5 and a half she still relies on us to do many things for her that her peers can do for themselves.  Things like going to sleep on her own, sleeping through the night in her own bed, dressing and undressing herself, brushing her teeth, combing her hair, using the bathroom independently (though she has begun to make strides here since Christmas, thank you Lord!), and even feeding herself sometimes.  While this is tiring, I remind myself that for her, a deep need is being met when we care for her in these most basic ways.

When I think about how she came into our lives, I'm left with no doubt of God's intricate work to weave our family together in His way and in His timing.  He knew she need to be raised in a family with two work-from-home parents where she could find the stability and security she desperately needed!  (As her communication has developed we have learned how great is her fear of abandonment still, which breaks our hearts).  Then, in His perfect timing, he brought Reni into our home.  Sweet Reni who came to us in a more emotionally healthy, secure state, so his needs and hers didn't conflict (yet in spite of his wonderful care at the orphanage -- you can still see the difference a family makes, even in him).  Ellie is learning how to love her brother -- and while that is mostly being expressed in a smothering, hovering kind of way, we can honestly tell people that she does not express any feelings of jealousy towards Reni (she has acted out a few times when meeting new people and he gets a lot more attention just for being the cute baby he is, but her behavior doesn't seem abnormal).  We are really proud of her and thoroughly enjoy witnessing their interactions (most of the time :-) ).

Ellie's needs are not as obvious as Reni's and it is sometimes easy to forget.  Of course there are certain things we would never expect of Reni because he lacks legs, yet because Ellie's needs are not obvious, it is a battle not to place unrealistic expectations on her but to remember special ways to nurture and accommodate her while training her to one day lead an independent life.  We got a powerful reminder this weekend when she received a special gift from Nonna and PaPa for Valentine's day.

Both children received special books that have the text read to them when each page is turned, but in the pre-recorded voices of Nonna and PaPa. On the very last page, Mom Waggoner concludes Ellie's book with, "Nonna loves you, Ellie!"  Over the last couple of days, we have frequently found Ellie holding the book and opening and closing it to that last page just so she can hear, "Nonna loves you, Ellie!"  At which point, her face breaks into a smile.  Words of affirmation are her love language!  It has served as a reminder that she doesn't get tired of being hugged and kissed and reminded that she is cherished.

Likewise after waiting 28 months for Ellie to call me "Mommy", I still don't tire of hearing her calls, or receiving her hugs and kisses. When we're alone together she will often tell me, "I love you, Mommy.  I don't love Daddy, I love you."  I know she adores her daddy, but I think she's just trying to tell me that I mean a lot to her in a special way.

So when Ellie comes to our room at 3AM to crawl in bed, we don't turn her away (though it often means that Daddy walks down the hall to sleep in her room).  And when she makes progress in becoming more independent (like putting on her jeans this Sunday all by herself, minus snapping the snap) we heap praise on her and tell her how proud of her we are.

Loving Ellie has been easy and loving Ellie has been hard.  Through it we have learned (and continue to learn) about a love from our heavenly Father who patiently nurtures us, waits for us to receive His love, and longs to hear us express our love to Him.  Parenting Ellie has reminded us that loving and trusting God has to be learned too.  We bring our own wounds and hurts to the relationship, but if we listen carefully to the Book He has given us, we can hear God say on every page "I love you child!"

Adoption Redefines Family

Our first family picture!

Lesson #3

Adoption redefines family

Blood is thicker than water, or so the saying goes. The cultural concept of family is all about bloodlines. Father, mother, sister, brother, even half-sisters and 3^rd cousins twice removed – these all are defined by blood. Maybe that was why it was always hard for me to see the family of God as anything more than a metaphorical family. We are not even ‘really’ half-brothers or sisters, right? We just don’t share the same blood.

Then came Elisona who has shaken up our lives for good in so many ways! One of those ways for me was forcing me to rethink family. Adoption changed everything for her (and us). She of course got a new name and mother and father, but she also inherited a new extended family and heritage! She will always have an Albanian history and heritage. Her physical past can’t and shouldn’t be ignored, but even more important I think, is the Waggoner and vanOrman heritage she now has! She has great grandparents who left their homes to go the back woods of Kentucky to learn how to start and run a Christian school, so they could return to New Jersey and start Bethel and minister to children for more than 40 years! She has other great-grandparents who sailed to Kenya as missionaries and spent decades sharing the Gospel there. Another set of great-grandparents worked hard in central Illinois and raised four Godly daughters whose families are still serving the Lord today! How wonderful it is to get together for family reunions on both sides of our family! What an amazing heritage Ellie and Reni have through adoption!

As blessed as we are with our Godly heritage, adoption has caused me to transcend bloodlines in my thoughts of family. If the Bible is true (and I believe it is), only brothers and sisters in Christ will last into eternity. Human bloodlines won’t matter then. So in a very real sense, my brothers and sisters in Christ are more completely family than bloodlines could ever be. If we trust Christ for salvation, we have been adopted into God’s family! Praise God that my human family is also adopted into God’s family!

That is why adoption is such a great picture of redemption. Ellie and Reni have new names. They are part of a new family. Adoption really isn’t what defines them now. Adoption was the process that made it possible, but not what defines them. Now, they are simply and fully our SON – David Reni Waggoner and our DAUGHTER – Elisona Joy Waggoner. Adoption strips the bloodline definitions. They are brother and sister (not “half” or “step”). They have Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and Cousins. The genealogy people out in Utah might disagree, but that is how I see it!

And I believe that is how God sees it too. I know that earlier I said that the family of God didn’t share the same blood. That really isn’t true. We all share the blood of Christ! Romans 14 says that not only are we sons of God we are joint heirs with Christ! I believe if the church could really get a hold of the true brotherhood of believers concept we would look very different to the world. The church would easily cross all ethnic and economic barriers. The result would be so counter-cultural that the world would have to stop and notice. What do you think? How would the church look differently if the family of God transcended bloodlines?

Father, help me to continue to see family as you see it. Help me not to be blinded by the worlds definitions, but may our human adoption experience always point to truth or your plan of adoption for the world! And thank You for the godly heritage you have given Elisona and Reni. - Amen

The July issue of Christianity Today had some great articles about adoption and how the church is stepping up world-wide to address the issue. One of the articles "Abba Changes Everything" was especially challenging and encouraging to me, so I thought I would link to it here. It is a little long, but it worth the read!

“Abba Changes Everything”

Adoption is costly...

Lesson #2

Adoption is costly, and the price has to be paid by the father.

This is a fact that I know doesn’t escape many. The number one reason people don’t pursue adoptions after looking into the possibility is the cost. The financial cost IS high and may even seem unreasonable. Homestudys, immigration paperwork, travel costs, costs in country, lost time at work, country fees, more immigration paperwork, post-placement reports…they all add up. When calculating the cost for our first adoption, we discovered that the cost would be equal to a full year’s salary for me! If we didn’t sense God’s call for us to proceed the mountain looked too high.

There are also other costs. Every part of your life is laid bare for others to see and judge. Do you make enough money? Do you have enough smoke detectors? Do you discipline the way ‘they’ think is correct? How well behaved is your dog? Are you on any meds? How do you settle disputes? Is your job guaranteed? Will your health insurance be enough? What is your motivation to adopt? All of these questions are meant to answer one: “Will you be a good father?” And then there is the waiting. The financial costs are paid up front with no guarantees of a successful adoption placement. There is significant risk financially and emotionally. Adoption committees don’t tell you if you ‘missed’ one of their benchmarks. You find out through silence. Every month that passes feels like a rejection of you. Often there are other issues at work, but that is the way it feels. How bad a parent must I be to not be better for a child than staying in an orphanage?

So why would anyone pay the price? Two reasons: Elisona & David Reni! God’s love compelled us and has rewarded us! Our love for these two blessings is overwhelming. It overwhelms all obstacles! After one especially hard day during Ellie’s adoption, Cydil looked at me and said, “Never again. And NEVER in Albania!” But those days pale in comparison to the 3.5 years we have spent with Els watching her grow! When we felt God’s tug again, there was no hesitation – even for Albania. In another post, I want to recount God’s provision that has made both adoptions possible.

So how does this relate to our adoption into Gods family? His adoption of us was and is costly! Philippians 2 tells us that Christ left all of his riches and status to be humbled and ultimately crucified in His obedience of God and pursuit of us. He paid the full price up front with no guarantee of our acceptance. You would think that would be enough to convince the whole world of his love, but we still make God jump through hoops. “Where is God when it hurts?” “Why doesn’t He just fix the world?” “Would a loving God really send someone to Hell?” “He couldn’t love me. Look what I have done.” “I’m good enough without God.” “What about the hypocrites in the church?” And God looks down on each and every person with those questions and His adoptive father’s heart aches. “Don’t you trust that I could be a good father? Do you really want to continue to live outside of the family I created you for?”

Why does God do it? Why did he pay the price and still leave the door open to our rejection of Him? Two reasons: You & Me! His love for us compels Him! He longs for you to call Him Abba Father! There is no obstacle to big to stop his pursuit. He believes you are worth it! Isn’t that amazing!

Abba Father, thank You for paying the price for me to be adopted into Your family! As an orphan, it was impossible for me to pay the required price but even before I said ‘yes’ to You, You had already paid for my adoption! Thank You! - Amen

At the risk of all of you skipping the text and jumping right to the video, I decided to post a couple of 'old' videos of Reni and Ellie from a couple of weeks ago. Enjoy!