What would you have done?

Sunday afternoon we visited a fun new park near Pam and Dave's home. Reni had a blast because unlike most playgrounds which use prickly mulch, this park boasted that spongy feaux asphalt which allowed him to fly around the place independently on his little stubs.

I wanted to try to get some footage of his "sprinting" so you can see how speedy our little man is, but caught something else entirely (he had blown by me by the time I got the video recording).

I saw him make his way to the "spiderweb" and overheard a little interaction unfold.

I heard a boy say to Reni, "Wanna be my friend?"

Reni doesn't immediately agree, hedging his reply by first asking the all-important question: "Do you have [toy] cars at your house?" 

I see the boy touch Reni's stubby leg, then sweetly put a hand on his back.

Reni for some reason thinks he can crawl through this boy and his friend or something and as Nathan tells him to wait, the boy's grandmother comes over and scolds her grandson, saying something like, "I told you not to bother the little kids", then as her grandson says, "That little boy has no le---" She tries to silence him with a loud "SHSH!!!" and yanks him off the equipment and away from Reni.

I keep the camera running on Reni, as if to mask the grandmother's embarrassment, pretending I hadn't heard what was said.

It wasn't until later, after letting the interaction replay in my mind, that I realized how much I failed in my lack of response. By then it was too late.

First of all, this young boy did nothing wrong. If anything, he interacted better with Reni than most new people he's met in a setting like this. He asked to be Reni's friend, then he touched him kindly.

My lack of response was what was wrong. The last thing I want is people yanking their children away from Reni as if he's got a contagious disease. I've always said I appreciate how children are usually the best at acknowledging Reni's differences -- they're straightforward with their questions and unlike adults, they don't whisper or look away as if their vision has a huge blind spot.

But before anyone feels like I'm judging them, let me tell you, I've been on the other side. As the parent of young children (who rarely have 'filters' over what comes out of their mouths), I've done my share of 'shush-ing".  My advice? If you see your child curious about another child with physical differences, I suggest you be straightforward and approach the child's parent with a comment like, "My daughter noticed that your son doesn't have any legs.  She wants to know how it happened, if that's not too personal a question to ask."  I can't guarantee that it will always be received graciously, but if they're anything like our family, asking questions is preferable over the shh, the stare, or avoidance. We like meeting new people and making friends  If you want to know how to ask wrongly, read this.

If I could have done it over again, I would have put the camera down and gone over to the grandmother to say that her grandson hadn't done anything wrong, but express that he and Reni had been talking and her grandson wasn't preventing Reni from enjoying the equipment.

What would you have done?

We're learning as we go, but Reni's turning four this summer, and getting more socially aware and I'm thinking about this more. We're about to move to a country that could medal in the art of winning the 'stare-down.' (Read Sarah's description from an American perspective here).  I'm also in a FB group for amputees and regularly read comments like "I'm used to being stared at."  Ouch. We know we can't protect Reni from this reality, but we want to equip him as best we can to have confidence.  It's going to be refining for his character (and mine).  Anyway, I'm not beating myself up, but want to take this as an important lesson in handling situations like this and offer a word or two if you might be the parent on the other side.  I understand.

Check out the video below to see the situation yourself.  I had nothing to do with the frame which was chosen as the thumbnail pic, but I love it.  That encourages my heart more than anything.


 

Incidentally, Reni climbed this several more times, getting faster and faster each time and mastering it completely independently.

P.S.  I'm not one who feels like I need to 'educate' people. We actually love watching the faces of others when they see Reni navigate so well because they're usually smiling. And once kids start talking to Reni, within minutes it's usually no big deal -- they see him as a kid much like them. It was just because I actually captured this one incident on video that I even wrote about the subject matter at all. As a post script, I should add that this winter Reni was going to have the opportunity to meet a little adoptee who was missing part of her right arm, and then later a little boy missing part of his left leg. In both cases he expressed fear, but quickly over came it upon meeting them. When it comes down to it, I think it's a matter of overcoming the fear of bodily differences to get to know the person inside the body.

P.S. #2:  Here is a link to another mom's thoughts on "Reclaiming the Playground".