Celebrating Reni, Twice!

Some of our family and closest friends know that 18 months ago we had a surprise reunion with Reni's biological family.

Out of respect for their privacy (as well as Reni's) and due to the potentially complicated nature of this kind of relationship and all the surrounding/related emotions, we chose not to share about it here until now.

Time and a number of visits have transpired to the point where we have developed a special friendship between our two families.  I think we agree this relationship is a gift and a miracle and we want to protect it and nurture it, keeping the children's best interests forefront.  We have grown to genuinely love Reni's birth family (so much!) and enjoy our time together.  We have shared holidays, traveled to meet their extended family in other parts of Albania, but also have just enjoyed meeting up for simple things like a coffee at a playground or a movie or picnic. 

It's difficult to articulate in words, but simply stated, we feel like we have a new extended family in Albania. We have met aunts and uncles, cousins, in-laws and grandparents.  At first it was so many new names to learn and keep straight! :-) It sort of felt like marrying into a family with all the relationships and connections that come along.  It didn't take long to realize that our lives will forever be intertwined, though in reality, that began more than 9 years ago, long before we ever met.

As we have slowly shared about this relationship we are often asked how 'it works'. I understand. I can see how it could appear threatening. Speaking for ourselves, there are two factors that allow for this non-traditional relationship to flourish. 

The first piece (which goes so far) is that they have been wonderful at respecting us as Reni's parents -- everything they say and do is consistent in that regard. And their respect has gone a long way in helping Reni reconcile his feelings about what he knows in his head with how he feels in his heart.  Referring to us as his "mom and dad" in conversation with him, his birthparents give clarity to Reni -- not confusion.  Likewise we hope that by Nathan and I acknowledging with him things like what we know about the circumstances of his adoption, Reni will grow up with a clearer understanding of who he is and his story, unclouded by fantasy he may have created as he grew up to fill those unknown parts of his past..

Secondly, I truly believe God had been preparing our hearts for this possibility for a very long time. From the very beginning we have prayed for Ellie's and Reni's first families, understanding that their decisions to relinquish these precious kids and make adoption plans on their behalf was most likely very painful. The joy we had at being Ellie and Reni's parents was only because someone else had to make the most difficult decision they would ever have to make. We have prayed from the beginning of our adoption journey that God might provide healing for their hearts, trusting that He would provide healing in His way and in His timing. We believe this relationship is a big part of that healing process for both Reni (who may not have even yet experienced any sense of loss) and his biological family.  

We love our children so deeply that it feels like a gift any time they have more people in their lives who love them, cheer them on, and support their well-being.  Reni will now grow up with an accurate understanding of the circumstances of his adoption story, no longer wondering if he was 'un-wanted' because he was born with an 'imperfect' body (the possibility of him believing this was one of my big 'fears' as he entered into adolescence and started to grapple with his identity).  We realize that many adoptees crave information and may never receive answers to their questions in this lifetime, so we do not take it for granted that not only do we have "names and faces" but we now have a relationship and conversations and joint memories.  

The shadow side of this story is that Ellie does not have the same gift of knowledge or relationship, and each get together is a stark reminder of that reality for her. Thankfully they are very kind, caring, and inclusive of Ellie.  She has even called them her "in-laws." Her logic went like this: if Reni is her brother, and they are related to her brother, then she is related to them too, right? :-)

Recently Nathan challenged me to consider revealing this relationship here, on our family blog.  In many ways, it would be easier not to share about it under the guise of 'privacy.' We have always tried to promote adoption through our family story here and realize that birth-family relationships are one of those fears that prevent many from following through with the idea of adoption. 

Thankfully, times are changing and there is a plethora of literature and testimonies (if one looks for it) about the benefits of open adoption for virtually everyone involved.   Being familiar with that information meant that when our two families' paths crossed unexpectedly, we were more in awe of God's timing of this reunion than paralyzed in fear about whether or not to begin a relationship with them. We hope that this unfolding story might continue to promote that pro-adoption message.

Posting highlights from Reni's birthday seemed like a natural occasion to share this part of our story here, now. 

This year Reni turned 10 and his birth family explained that the 10th birthday is a significant milestone in Albanian culture.  They asked if they could treat our families to a fun day together at some new local attractions.  We started at Latitude, a brand new trampoline and climbing gym in Tirana.  (I have been told they have locations throughout the Balkans, with Albania being their newest venture). 

I was so proud of Ellie's fearlessness to tackle some of the higher level obstacle courses!  She didn't exhibit an ounce of fear...until she realized she didn't know how to get down!

It was AMAZING and perfect for the kids.  Trampolines give Reni more movement and height than he can experience naturally and for Ellie, they provide that proprioceptive input her nervous system craves!  Also, Reni has natural athletic and gymnastic ability (which we learned he likely inherited from his maternal grandfather who was a top level gymnast at the national level, back in the day).  He got to flip and somersault to his heart's delight.

  
The staff was fantastic with Reni and changed the lengths of some of the ropes and belts so he could safely participate in doing just about everything on the premises. 

The highlight of the venue was a 'flying circuit'.  Both kids utterly enjoyed it!  I've never seen anything like this in America!

After Latitude we enjoyed a special lunch up on Mt. Dajti where they gave Reni some special gifts he will treasure for a lifetime.  

We then sampled the new mini-golf course in the national park.  To my knowledge, it's the first golf course to come to this country!

The course was simple, but I LOVED that it included a replica of an iconic bunker (I know most Albanians probably don't share those feelings, but I say, embrace what makes you unique).

The birthday boy. He is such a gift to so many.  

Thank you, D Family, for creating some more special memories for us all!  It was a special day Reni won't forget.  Our lives are richer having you in it!